Be sure not to forget to...

Bill Farrant - 

 

My friend Dave made a status update on Facebook that said, “Sorry if I deleted you. If I don’t talk to you, then what’s the point?” It’s not an uncommon type of status update to make. I’ve seen ones like this before, the message being, “If you read this, you’re in,” leaving the reader with a warm, fuzzy feeling of inclusion, like you should be honoured the Status Updater has chosen you to continue being a part of their digital life. 

I made a comment on Dave’s status update that said, “Glad to have made the cut!” It was tongue and cheek, made to parlay that I made his cut and that we both made the cut for the soccer team. I thought it was brilliant. He has an arts degree. I assumed he would get it.

A few weeks later at practice my comment to his status update came up; he said he deleted me after reading it. The fact he deleted me after I commented on his “great cull” made it feel like I was a spot he’d missed while cleaning his boots. 

What worries me is how one is supposed to act around people who are supposedly a real-time friend but have chosen to no longer be a digital one. Do you strike up a conversation with them and pretend nothing has happened, ignoring the undercurrent vibe? In the old days, if you didn’t like someone you avoided them, or made it clear to their face with words or violence. 

In order to come to an understanding of Facebook friend erasure I’ve consulted the etiquette guru of the twentieth century, Emily Post, and her book “Etiquette.” I’ve decided to focus on the section entitled Dissolving a Relationship. From it I’ve provided a selection of comments from the subsection called Divorce.

1. “The divorced couple’s friends, and if possible their families, should extend their sympathetic support- never criticism or censure- but at the same time respect their privacy and avoid prying or questioning the reasons for or the mechanics of the divorce, unless their advice is asked for.”

I became aware of my Facebook divorce after it had been finalized, not through discussion at a time of crisis. So, I was unable to receive sympathy and support from my family and (remaining) friends. To not be afforded this opportunity has been a crushing blow to my recovery and it’s a failure on Dave’s part to withhold reasoning or a sense of closure.

2. “The dissolving of the relationship requires sensitivity and consideration.” 

Dave’s behaviour, when mentioned to my father, a retired middle school psychologist, was described as the actions of a “Shit punk asshole with no testicles.”

3. “When the couple separates, it is never publicly announced, although the news generally spreads quickly.” 

The team got wind of the Facebook split when Dave replied with a sassy comment on an email I sent asking who had the balls and cones. Morale was damaged and we lost the first four games of the season.

All this was made worse by the fact Dave was wearing my spare jersey. Both of us were running around with the number twenty-two on our backs. This lack of uniformity and the statistical confusion it created for the league was detrimental to our professionality as a club.

4. “Even when a couple no longer care about one another, cannot find anything to agree about, or have no interests in common, they may still want to preserve their marriage. They may and should look for outside help. It is no admission or failure to seek the help of a marriage counselor, an experienced therapist, or a clergyman.”

The manager of the team is a spiritual life coach by trade. He invited Dave and I over for an “awakening” after the string of losses. Nothing was resolved and we left clutching pamphlets for an upcoming nudist holiday in Hawaii. You’d think we’d have found some mutual common ground there, but that wasn’t the case. Dave thought the retreat was worth checking out. 

 

5. “Letting people know: tell those to whom it makes a difference. But a divorce is a failure and there is little reason to be proud of a failure.”

I’m fine with acknowledging that divorce is a failure. I’ve actually had a divorce. But that was a separate issue and dealt with by two civilized people who’d mutually decided they didn’t like each other anymore. Because we followed the rules of etiquette as described by Emily Post, we’ve been able to tolerate each other as Facebook friends.

So, how should one deal with an unwanted Facebook relationship? While it might be extreme to seek the help of a marriage counselor, experienced therapist, or clergyman, perhaps a mediator could be an option. If no reconciliation or compromise can be found from mediation, or you are unwilling to shell out the expense, then maybe deleting your Facebook account is the alternative.

We live in over-sensitive times. People’s feelings are hurt far too easily. Multiple wars and coups have started because of Facebook. So why contribute to the problem by savagely shedding friends when you can take the highroad and remove yourself? Personal relationships in brick-and-mortar terms could continue sans awkwardness, defaulting to time-tested and effective methods of avoidance such as the in-passing head nod with a hands-in-pockets-quick-stride-forward or the “Hey!” and a wave when at opposing checkouts at the grocery store. 

These days there’s little consideration given to being a gracious, considerate individual online, or in person for that matter. It’s doubtful most people have read Emily Post, or plan to, and the likelihood that this essay will be helpful in dissolving a Facebook relationship is low.

In that case, a quote from one of Emily Post’s contemporaries might just do the trick. It’s by Judith Martin, from her book “Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour,” the section entitled A Rule of Thumb:

Dear Miss Manners,

Do you have any guidelines that will help me to feel correct in all situations?

Gentle Reader:

Yes, two, both of which were given to Miss Manners by her Uncle Henry when she was a mere slip of a girl. They have served her well in all vicissitudes of life ever since. They are:

1. Don’t.

2. Be sure not to forget to.