Uppers & Downers
UPPERS:
1)
When it comes to issues of the body, one of the most significant topics currently on people’s minds is that of reproductive rights. Abortion has been on several state ballots since the repeal of Roe V Wade last year, and each time abortion rights advocates have won sweeping victories. Score one for the year 1973, when America realized this was a good idea the first time.
2)
In our endless pursuit to cheat death, breakthroughs in anti-ageing research abound. A recent Harvard/MIT study reveals a chemical method for rejuvenating cells. In addition to prolonging youth, the applications could extend to treating age-related illness and injury. I knew it! I’m never going to die.
3)
A paralyzed man in the Netherlands now walks again after a team of neuroscientists reconnected his brian to his spine via Bluetooth technology. Despite this encouraging development in the field of paralysis therapy, the man continues to lose all hope in getting his phone to pair with his fucking Volvo stereo.
4)
The American people breathe a collective sigh of relief for their beloved Senator from Kentucky. After two alarming episodes on Capitol Hill, the Congressional doctor has issued his assurance that Senator Mitch McConnell’s test results don’t show any signs of stroke or seizure disorder. See Upper #2 for reasons why the country’s disproportionately elderly body of lawmakers should no longer be of any concern.
DOWNERS
1)
Cosmetic procedures in young people continue to soar amid the explosion of plastic surgery content on social media. Annual surveys from the American Academy of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery report significant demand increases for cosmetic procedures in recent years, particularly for people under 30. I was going to make a joke about “Brotox” until I learned that it’s already a term being used.
2)
Covid variants ain’t going anywhere. The two most significant variants making the rounds on planet Earth (EG.5 and BA.2.86) serve as an exhausting reminder to limit your exposure as we head into the fall season. Hopefully in the distant future we won’t have to explain to our children that we don’t actually name Fraternities and Sororities after viruses.
3)
If objectifying women ever loses its appeal then a new website has you covered by allowing you to judge the sex appeal of AI-generated women. Teenagers rejoice at the emergence of a misogyny that finally speaks to their generation.
4)
It has been a rough ending to the summer for naked, dusty bodies as this year’s soggy Burning Man came to a close. Among all the schadenfreude in watching the wealthy and influential contend with disappointment, there has grown a scrutiny around what the hell this pilgrimage is even about anymore. Maybe this should be in Uppers.
-Juan Carlos Arreaga